It's almost all over. I have one exam left before my first (real) year of college is over. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I know that I'm partly relieved and partly sad. I don't want to go home because I don't really have much to go home to. Yet, I don't want to continue doing work. I'm ready to get the things that I've been neglecting back in order. I'm not ready to leave my friends behind.
I don't know what this summer has in store for me. The past two summers, I've worked full-time and had a girlfriend with whom I spent most of my free time. I'm going home a different person, lacking the friendship that made home livable for year and a half prior to coming to school.
With all this freedom comes a certain sense of hope. I had a lot of opportunities that I passed up because of some things that I have to do this summer. I was considering an internship with a software company in Norway. I was also thinking of volunteering with ASP as a staff worker, instead of just a run-of-the-mill volunteer. I gave up all these because I'm scheduled to have surgery on my jaw this summer. So far, I know I'll be spending around six weeks working on a research project with a Prof. and one week working with ASP, but that's it. Yet, I have a distinct feeling that God wanted me to give up these opportunities so that I could participate in something else, of His design.
To be perfectly truthful, I'm scared. I don't want to be alone again. I went through most of my life alone, without really close friends or people that I could rely on. When I met my ex, this all changed. Admittedly, I drew a lot from her energy and her life. Her friends became my friends. Her hobbies became things that I enjoyed. Her faith became mine.
I go home this summer without any of that. I know who I am here at school, but there isn't really anything at home for me to gain strength from. I'm not very close with my family (something I want to work on), I'm not very close with those that were once my friends (something else I want to work on), and I can just see my days withering away in disuse. I don't want it to be that way.
I'm pretty down right now. Part of it comes from all these thoughts and part of it is frustration in my inability to complete some work due at 2pm tomorrow. Only God can really cure this, so I shall go to Him now to welcome His cleansing powers.
Whoever you are, whatever frame of mind you're in, I pray that God blesses you and that you may open your heart to His wonderful gifts.
