I'm a very odd person when I'm by myself. I think we're all like that, though. I mean, we can't really be ourselves unless we're alone (or with someone that truly loves and accepts us), right? When we're alone, we are completely comfortable with ourselves and don't have to worry about others judging us. The only way I figure you can run into trouble is if you judge yourself. Hrm, that's what I've done by saying I'm odd.... Anyway, I really enjoy being myself. I get giggly and run around and sing and dance. It's quite entertaining. Too bad no one is around to see it....
I used to sing in the shower, but I stopped when I went to school (aside: the guys on my floor last year didn't seem like the kind of people that would take well to someone singing various odd things in the shower at 8am. I think the guys next year will take it better, so I might get back into that practice. I really enjoy singing in the shower, so maybe I'll start again this summer. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking in the shower. But I digress....). I would tend to sing things like La Sola Mia
(just those words, very exaggerated and loud, not sure where they come from), Dean Martin's That's Amore, and various other things. I usually only sing one line very loud and exaggerated.
My cats don't take very well to my oddness. Tessie, in particular, doesn't deal well with me being alone. I was sort of squawking at her before, so I can understand her issues. She's usually pretty skittish anyway, so I don't take offense.
One of the things that prevents me from being as odd as I am when I'm alone when there are other people around is that I'm usually quite loud. When I sing, I really bellow. The notes flow from my mouth, as if from someone that could really sing (I'm not saying that I can't sing, I tend to think that I sing quite well, but no one else really seems to agree--they're loss. *shrug*). I dance around, sometimes jumping and stomping my feet, sometimes doing the whole Virtual Insanity dance from the Jamiroquai video. It's fun. It's thrilling. It's sometimes scary.
Now, all this noise makes it very difficult to enjoy my aloneness while I'm at school. I have a roommate. I have hallmates. My room next year will be next to the RA. The HD isn't too far away (case in point, I wanted to watch Saving Private Ryan last year. So, I loaded the DVD, cranked up my stereo and watched the D-Day scene. My HD heard me two floors up. Oops.). So, that leaves me to be loud when my I'm home for the summer and my parents aren't around. That also means I can be loud in my car. I sing in my car (Image from JustinMcRoberts.com. Go to merchandise and then t-shirts. Buy one. Listen to his music. Buy it. He's a geek and he knows it.). No, you don't understand. I love to sing in my car. I've watched people laugh at me while I'm singing in my car. And actually, I'm fine with that. I tell myself that they are enjoying the fact that I am enjoying my car ride. It's not like they can hear me anyway.
Speaking of which, I've had some wonderful car rides recently. But not today--today it's raining. A good car ride for me usually means it's a good temperature to have all the windows down (it can't be too humid either), the roads are relatively empty, and I've got some great singing music. Yeah, those car rides are great.
I've been thinking about my friends and my future a lot recently. Some of my friends I can be more of who I am when I'm alone than others. Sometimes I just put up this facade because I'm afraid they'll judge me if they see who I am. That's not cool, but it's something I do. I got to thinking, will I really be able to be myself with my wife, whenever she comes along? I hope so--I really hope so. Personally, I think it would be hilarious for her to hear me singing random lines from songs and see our cats (we'll have cats, and probably a dog too) go running in any direction that isn't near me. I'd want her to enjoy that. It's a prerequisite that my wife must be able to get a good laugh out of me being myself--not because she's laughing at me, but because it's just so odd and she enjoys that.
Yeah, that would be cool. Have I ever come across someone that I could truly be myself with? I've come close. I can truly drop my guard with my best friend and that's just a very comforting and cool thing. We talk to each other from our hearts. I think she'd be pretty freaked out with some of the stuff that I do; she'd probably go running like that cats. That's alright. There will come a time when I can truly be me with my friends--that'll be a good day. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm this huge fake when I'm with my friends. I'm just not as.. eccentric as I can be when I'm alone. It's all good.
Some people think Christianity is about becoming a robot controlled by God. Well, it's not. Someone who truly knows Christ and lives by that faith is more himself than someone that has no faith. Faith means freedom from the things that get in the way of expressing ourselves. When the sin is removed, what's left is who we really are. Being myself is easier every day because I'm becoming comfortable with who I am and really becoming who I am. Very cool stuff.
