My dad and I don't have the greatest relationship. My parents divorced when I was 12 and he became a long-distance father. A couple of years later, we (my mother, sister, and I) moved near him, after which I moved in with him. I still hold the long-distance thing against him, along with many other things. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on parts of my childhood and maturing process because he wasn't around.
Other things bug me too. A lot of the time I don't like things he says or things that he does. I tend to focus on these things and whenever I think about him, his redeeming qualities are covered by all this gunk (perhaps, baggage). And that's really sad because I know that he's really great person, but all these things are getting in my way of seeing that.
My dad's a really cool guy. While we have our disagreements, I know that he'll always be there for me if I'm in need. A couple of years ago, my car had an unfortunate run-in with a deer. This was my first accident and I was really freaked out. I called him and he dropped what he was doing (he was at work) and came right to me. He's always been there for me when I've been in desperate need and I really pray that I can do the same for my children.
This summer has been a blessing for the two of us. We've started working through the things that are keeping us apart. I've been trying to see past all the muck that is skewing my perception of him. Today, being Father's Day, was a rough day for me because there is so much that I want to say, but I just can't get my mind to let my heart say it.
In the past, I haven't been much of a help around the house. My step-mom always made a big fuss about this, so I figured I might as well try helping out this summer, especially since I'm home all day with my research project. Today, I mowed the lawn. I did this partly for my dad, as a Father's Day present, and partly to help out around the house.
While mowing, I started coming up with the things I wanted to say to him. I had forgotten to get him a card, so I figured I'd write him a letter. While I could come up with the words just fine, I couldn't imagine myself actually writing them. I knew that what I wanted to write would touch his heart and that he'd want to thank me in some way--that was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I knew I couldn't deal with the emotional outreach. So, the letter remains unwritten--at least the lawn is mown.
Much of the gunk that is clouding my view of his heart relates to his actions and habits. As any boy does, I looked up to my father. I watched (and still do) everything he did and I know that I'm a lot like him and that I've followed in his footsteps in many ways. That also means that I've picked up (and worked through) a lot of the gunk. I want him to be this great example and not have any sin in his life, but that's unrealistic. I just get so hurt every time he does something that I know I've struggled with.
These are the things that I want to address with him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. If I do, I know that I'll end up attacking him and that's something I absolutely don't want to do. I want to talk to him with an attitude of love, but I just find myself convinced that I'm going to fail miserably if I try. At the same time, I wonder what right I have to tell him things he does sometimes bother me. I mean, isn't that just like judging him? Shouldn't I just accept him and look past all this gunk? What should I do? All these questions lead me to do absolutely nothing. Alas, I know I'll still despise the way he acts. Something must be done....
