I've spent a lot of time alone in the car recently. During this time, I often listen to music (I sing in my car!
) and spend time thinking random thoughts. For whatever reason, on one of these trips, it occurred to me that I might be a controlling person--the type of controlling person that turns into a controlling boyfriend and you hear Ann Landers telling women to stay away from. Ick.
So, I thought that I couldn't possibly be a controlling person. And then I thought about it some more. And some more. And some more yet. And I came to the conclusion that I am a controlling person. It's part of what ruined my last relationship and it's probably ruined bunches upon bunches of friendships. And it took me this long to figure it out.
There were signs, I'll admit that. I've been told that I jump in with both feet
or that I consume a situation. It never really occurred to me what that all meant in the grand scheme of things. I've always noticed how I tend to takeover meetings and such. I always thought that it was just an aspect of leadership. I never knew it for what it really was.
How does one become an uncontrolling person? What's the difference between being a good leader and being controlling? How am I going to find all these friends that I've lost contact with and try to explain to them that I'm sorry. How do I apologize to people that don't want to have anything to do with me because I was that overpowering (and nearly completely unaware of it!)? How could I have done this?
I might be over-reacting some, but I just keep thinking of the far-reaching consequences of this realization. I can't help but wonder how things would have been different in my life. But I have to pull myself back to the present and put everything into perspective.
This was supposed to happen. I can fight this and I can win. I can salvage friendships. I have support and love from many wonderful people that have overlooked this fault thus far. I have a wonderful Father that is looking out for me and will help me work through this. This too shall pass--this too shall pass.
