Sometimes I catch myself being mean to people. It's usually certain people that have irked me in a very insignificant way. In retaliation, I'm consistently belligerent toward them. I feel particularly un-Christ-like when I realize what I've been doing. Yet, I can't seem to get out of the habit of meanness toward them. I feel really bad about it. I don't set out to be malicious. I'm often given the opportunity to be perfectly polite and helpful or sarcastic and belittling. Far too often I take the latter route.
I've been trying to understand why I do this. Is it human nature? Is it competitiveness? Is it residual meanness from years of bad experiences growing up? Am I bullying the only people I feel I can? Does it matter? Whatever the case, the fact that I'm doing it is just wrong. I know better. I even feel bad when I'm doing it. I'm going to work on that.
Note: Comments with a light blue background were made by the site owner.
I've given up. On this type of introspection, that is. As a scientific recluse, I've been incompatible with other people all my life, and regarded as a black sheep in a family, and weird elsewhere. But then, I've never cared, which brought me where I'm today. My idea of life is a forested secluded mountain foothill, with people far away, and only there when I need them. I'm not too fond of the human race in its entirety :)
Sarah Orne Jewett, oh that wise woman, said: "Recluses are sad kindred, but they are never commonplace". Speaking of which, I'm not reading "Yes" by Thomas Bernhard.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0226043908/
Oh, the joy, the joy! I am also an ardent supported of the Arrogance and Irony Preservation Society. Arrogance has many faces, many incompatible, mutually exclusive aspects. One of them is the universal disdain for most things earthly.
Sometimes meanness is only perceived, but not real.
M.
tim, you know that whole thing about self-degredation? don't do it! it's not good for ya. i say this in complete hypocrisy, of course, but really... you're one of the most kind-hearted people i know. usually, even if you do say something mean, you're the first to admit it, apologize, and seek to make amends. the humility that that takes falls way beyond me, so give yuorself some credit. if you do fall off the nice train, at least you trudge to the station to catch it when it comes 'round again.
"Say to them, 'This is what the LORD says:
When men fall down, do they not get up?
When a man turns away, does he not return?'"
God's not surprised when you fall. He just wants you to get back up.
That could be deemed bad "self-talk." There are some people it takes so much work to be nice to, and even if for just my own benefit, it helps to find some way not to be mean to them. It just makes the day better not to be mean. Some people make it so hard, it's at times like those I just try not to talk... and then they might think you're snotty. What can you do? We all have our days and I think people are pretty forgiving. That's what it is, a whole life's lesson of learning to forgive.
Moose: I'm this weird type of loner who often finds himself lonely. I've had my problems with people (middle school *shiver*), but I know that I would be miserable without the people closest to me.
I do hope that this meanness is only my perception. I don't think this is self-degradation, but introspection, as suggested by Moose.
Helen: Nice analogy. And I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't look at some of the things I did with a discerning eye. I'm not wallowing.
Rebekah: Yeah, sometimes there are people who make it hard to love them. And I'll try to find something endearing in each of them to help me as I go.
A co-worker just informed me today that peoples' perceptions of me have been that I am "mean". I asked her, "is it because of the expression on my face?" When I'm thinking about something or I am disturbed by something my face is a dead give- away. A smile does not come naturally to my lips and it is an effort to force one since the corners of my mouth naturally turn downward. I must admit that I don't suffer fools easily and I do let my annoyance be known when I am confronted with ignorance and snottyness from others. I give as well as I get. But for the most part I think that my face is working against me! I am an attractive woman, but when I am not forcing a smile I can look down-right bitchy (even though I may be perfectly content at the moment! I am 42 years old and I am tired of being labeled and misunderstood based on my facial expressions! Do I need surgery to correct my downturned mouth? Do I need to do facial exercises in the mirror to try to bring a natural smile to my lips? Do I need to go around forewarning everyone I come in contact with that I shouldn't be judged or misunderstood? Help??? Or should I just go on and let it be?