At around 4pm (Oslo time) today, I'm heading into the office to call Rebekah. She's in Chicago this weekend auditioning for a place with the Jump Rhythm Jazz Project (JRJP). She auditioned yesterday and probably already knows the outcome. And now I'm waiting for her to wake up so I can call.
I've had this nervous energy around me this week, especially the last two days. She dreams of joining the JRJP troupe and performing with them, sharing her artistic gift with the world. For both of us, a lot of things are up in the air as Rebekah waits to hear if she got a place. If she does, she'll have to move to Chicago. And if she moves, I may also.
I instinctively want to have control over what happens here. I want to know how things will turn out for her audition, for my job, for our marriage plans, for the future. But I can't. And that's a beautiful thing. Because of the uncertainty that surrounds our future, I can either worry about it or give it all up to God. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't trust in the plan God has for us. Through the five years we've known each other, He has brought Rebekah and I through so much and given us this wonderful love and joy we share now. I couldn't have dreamed of things working out any better than they are right now. And the same will happen no matter if Rebekah gets a place or not. It's better not to know, not to be in control, and to have faith in His plan for the future.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record, talking about how wonderful things are, despite my worries. It's this struggle I have between my instincts—my humanity—and what I know in my heart to be true. Someday I'm going to get it into my thick head that worrying is silly as it's all out of my control anyway. That'll be a good day.
