Throughout my childhood, I had suspicions that I had psychic abilities. One particular incident in middle school almost convinced me. We were playing a game in gym class where everyone was split into eight different groups, numbered one through eight. The teachers called a group number and the group would do something, then the teachers would call another number, and so on. I decided that I'd try to guess the number they were going to call. And I guessed correctly over and over again.
I also dreamed of entering others' minds. I wanted to see what they really thought about me or plant thoughts in their head. I'd lie in bed at night and try to will others (well, usually girls I liked) into thinking fondly of me. Even now, I'll sometimes try to mentally reach out to Rebekah. I'm not sure why I haven't given up, since there's no indication that I've ever been successful.
The voice in my head has always been very strong. I've often wondered if others have equally strong self-voices. Whenever I read and write, I hear the words in my head. And when I think, I often talk through things using my self-voice. When I tried to enter another's mind, I'd focus on them and say something using my self-voice, trying to get their attention. After continual failure in my childhood, I decided that I didn't have the right techniques, not that I wasn't psychic.
As I grew older, I had a hankering to go to a psychic to see what they'd tell me. I realized, though, that I couldn't be sure that they had actually predicted my future. Most of the psychics portrayed on television (I admit it's not a reliable source) were too vague; I could always explain away what they predicted too easily. The same goes for horoscopes and fortune cookies: too vague to be true.
Now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to know my future. I'm too afraid of finding out something horrible is going to happen and in trying to prevent it, I cause it. Say, for instance, that I'm told someone is going to die. I can do everything I can think of to prevent it from happening, but in doing so, I cause their death. If I hadn't known they were going to die, I wouldn't have tried to prevent it and thus caused their death.
There was a scene in The Matrix that illustrates this very well. Neo goes to meet The Oracle. During their conversation, she says, "Don't worry about the vase." Then, he turns, knocks over a vase, and apologizes. "I said, don't worry about it," she replies. "What's really going to bake your noodle later on," she says, "is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?."
So, if I don't know the future, I can't make it happen. In a way, I'm just saying ignorance is bliss. But I'm alright with that. I think we should be ignorant about our futures. It would take an extremely wise and strong person to know the future and understand the ramifications of changing it. Of course, this all presupposes that someone can know the future. But I'll get back to that at some point (in the future...).
